108 Days Without Binge 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th——How much are you in love?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010 Sunny in Vio
Dearest spiritual gold my beloved friend Ami,
I’m thinking it would be so great if you and Amy can come visit our mountain village sometimes. I bet you will definitely love it here and probably wouldn’t want to go anywhere else;-) it’s a heavenly like place yet it’s a “dangerous” place, because it will make you fall in love and you will feel heart-torn if you have to leave itL luckily, you are not an attached person, this heartbroken affair won’t happen to you. I myself find it harder and harder to leave it. Apart from the vicious mousquitos, I don’t mind being a permanent villager and mountain guard here. Not many people believe that mousquitos have become this only problem for me. Yes, I know it sounds like kidding, ironically, not. I’ve put 3 devices of antimousquitos in the house. I should have done that earlier.
People sometimes ask me whether I get bored staying in this faraway from everything valley. I say how can someone get bored? You see the most changeable interesting side of the nature while the same time your mind is so eased and soothed. The clouds, the wind, the plants, the colors, the weeds, animals, everything are so vivid in animation, you simply don’t see a same picture everyday. I don’t even feel like I need any other entertainments, not even music. Just listen to the rythem of the nature, that’s the real music……
Dani wants me to work with him for his yoga farm project via contract, which will be done 2 years later since his construction work is not half done yet. How I have been fascinated by this idea! For one part, he felt in this way, he could help me with my paper problemm, and the other part, it seems like a karmic connection that has made us always do things together. It is probably not even a plan of ours.
Dani is another person that has influenced my life so much. A marvellous friend, a beneficial teacher, a fun company, a spiritual guide, a dear brother, almost everything. He is one of the best proofs for me to know that people just don’t come into your life by accident. I wouldn’t have bumped into this country mountain life or got to know a beautiful man like Sergio if without having met Dani. I want so much to introduce you guys to each other.
Of course I’m not putting any expectation on Dani’s idea. It’s better to let things designed by time and the nature.
My 108 Days Without Binge plan is going on, and so far so good. I admit that I’ve had some meat and several junky food items these days since I came back from my Barcelon loner’s life. The bottom line was I haven’t resorted to any binging act.
It’s just so hard to stick to your own principals when living with another person, I mean, an important one. And there were indeed some low moments when I wanted again to use food as comfort. Then I told myself that it was not the real friend. It is a big bomb disguised in candy coat. My skin allergy caused by mousquito bites( acctually by ED I believe) has made it harder. The itchness makes me disgusted by myself. Especicially after hard scratching it, it just felt so horrible. You don’t want to love the oneself that has unhealthy skin.
I cried a bit today with Sergio around. As always, he was simple thinking as he got a simple mind. Of course, he never got annoyed or left me alone when I was in sorrow. However, he would never guess right what had made me sad. It was not just because that he showed a bit impatience with my demand of doing one of my documents, not simply because I was very irritated by the itchiness in my skin, not because we had been waiting in a long queue for meeting the doctor……I cried because I felt so dependent, on so many things, on him, on the western medical system, on the pills, on the food……I’m under a shelter, but how come it doesn’t make me happier? Or it’s just because like almost any other case, I’m just being too demanding? I’m not blaming myself, but I really prefer not to look for exusable reasons from the outter world, coz I know all problems are from the within.
Then I took a 2 hour siesta and felt so much better. I guess I just need some more sleep. I want to suggest Sergio that we sleep seperately though it sounds weird to the others to look at a couple. But sleeping alone is really good for one’s health, at least in my case. I haven’t slept well even one single night of those with Sergio. I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault, but the idea of sharing space for sleeping is just not so wise. Everyone needs space, especially when sleeping.
The old song “So much in love” is such a beautiful heart touching one. I love listening to it and imagining the in-love couple strolling along the whole life path hand in hand. I don’t hold much belief that there are existing many couples in real love, but I’d rather give it faith, coz there are some. Everyone could be so much in love if we are demandless. It’s just hard. But we got the whole life, or many lives to get to that. It comes after many this-moment’s-improvements.
Be patient and be happyJ
So much in love with the universe
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 27th—Blackberry fields
Wednesday, September 01, 2010 Sunny to thundery
Hey dearest Ami, blessed soul
Today is a harvest day for my little vegie garden. Lots of green beans, tomatos, some cucumbers, lettuce, green peppers, and a big potato! Holding them in hands, the contentness and gratitude for the earth and the nature were so real there. It was true that our garden was not the best and it could have been more productive if with more experience, knowledge and care. But I’m still feeling so grateful without any regret.
We are mainly sharing with the neighbours or friends what we have. Food tastes better when in sharing. I love the tomatos, they are so juicy and sweetly acid. The chards and zucchini haven’t be a success. The former was almost ruined by insects and the latter was growing in the shades so it didn’t get enough sun.. Next year we will do better in planning the orientation of the plants. I’d love to dig more land for more quantity. Green beans and tomatos will definitly occupy a big proportion. Onions come out a bit very small and I was told it was because I watered it too much. Onions don’t need much water. Neither do patotos.
I found that a bowl of cereals with oatmeal for night time makes me feel good in stomach. It feels satisfying and unbloated. And it’s tasty.
I’m developing an attachment to those sugerfree cookies. I don’t binge them but I substitute them for my guilty food. I don’t see the good in it, but I’m not restricting myself. Just imagine how long it took my ED to be developed, how could I expect myself to do it 100% right when I’ve just started the healing? At least, I’m not binging the cookies. But how to detach myself from it, I know it will take time for me to make it.
I’m now saving 1 euro each day for my “Food project”, which is aimed at helping ED people and the hungry. Next year autumn time I would love to organize a healthy food camp to help people to soothe the issue. The plan is still in cradle, or even in uterusJ. I’m devoting myself to it a bit more day by day. The principle of the food camp will be centered on how to get our natural eating system back on the lead and teaching ourselves to listen to our bodies. There will be organic vegan food( it’s good for IBS which normally ED people have) and spiritual activities, such as yoga, meditation, mountain hiking, silent walks, conference, workshop, writing, music, art, stories sharing……It will be organized in a friends community way. You are welcome to join and give us some guide on mind control. Coz I know you’ve healed yourself with so much practice. You are definitely a pioneer.
Soon later I can go pick blackberries. We made some jam out of it last year, and it was so yummy. Oh, how much I love this golden season.
Sending you some sweetest berriesJ
With love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 28th—Raindrops keep falling on my heart
Thursday, September 02, 2010 Rainy
Dearest Ami
I’m wondering how the weather is like now in California. People have praised the bright sunniness of California in so many ways. And most of my memory of the days there is full of sun. I love the sun so much, I will always do.
I’ve learned to love the rainy days too. I used to moan a lot when bad weather came. It’s so nice when you accept things as they come. How small our mind is compared to the cosmic mind. Few of us know the beauty of surrendering to this ruling mind of the universe, instead, we always hold the “my way” belief till the last breath. We want sunny days only. But the nature doesn’t go on like that. It’s a balance between the two poles.
I shouldn’t complain about anything anymore. Nor even about my skin allergy. Love the song singing:
“Raindrops keep falling on my head, I’m never gonna stop the rain by complaining… because I’m free, nothing is worrying me…”
I gave a big cleanup to the house today. The work lasted for long hours like always, but I didn’t binge during the cleaning. Honestly I really don’t like cleaning, especially of big dusty house of someone else, because I can’t organize the stuff in “my way”;-) when big task like this came, I would normally encourage myself with binging tons of food. Yet today I didn’t. oh yeah! For dinner, I made myself a bowl of oatmeal with oat milk, raisins, oats. It was so tasty. I’ve never enjoyed cereals so much without adding suger or honey. Do you make your own granola? I really would love to learn it.
It feels great sitting in a clean house. I think it must feel like a wonder if being with a clean mind.
I’d love to do some meditation now. Talk to you tomorrowJ
Sending you some drops of the sweet rain from Pyrenees.
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 29th, 30th—Song Sung Blue
Saturday, September 04, 2010 Sunny
My dear friend Ami
The old mousquito bites itched me like a hell last night. Then I had some weird dreams and I cried so hard in the dreams. So it was such a restless night. This morning I woke up feeling so down and bad about my skin. Then I cried again, in front of Sergio, kinda complaining about how he hadn’t found me a specialist and left me in such suffering. I know what I said was unfair to him. But I was indeed angry. I didn’t even know why. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I guess it’s this dependent feeling that made me feel bad again. I was thinking, if I could live in my own way, then I wouldn’t let my skin go bad like this. I would have seen an expert, I would have eaten healthier…… I simply don’t like the compromise we have to make in a relationship. Especially in my case. Inmobile, unexpectative, and unbreakable. It’s just binding. I feel, relationship is really not for me. Look I’m being egoist again. Sometimes I really wish I went traditional, just following what most of the world are doing, growing up into a normal person, having stable job, meeting someone, marrying and having children and getting old and dying into dust. Oh my, I don’t know what to do again. I was even thinking about leaving him……
All my life what I’ve been trying to do is to set myself free, yet everytime it turned out to be that I want to escape from something. What a paradox this life!
Sorry that I have written you such a grumbling note. It’s a day of downs for me. Though I know the world is going on well.
I have to stop those sugar-free cookies otherwise it will become another obsession. Eating enough these two days, except for those cookies, which have made my stomach so gasy.
You know the song El Condor Pasa? It really sings out well what I just feel like today.
Love to all
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 31st —- Everyone knows how to play tarot, life is no mistery
Sunday 5th, September Sunny
Hey my lovely friend Ami
It’s so strange that since I came to Spain I’ve been hearing about deaths from people around. Friends of friends, neighbours, relatives of neighbours, some I’ve never seen and one that I even talked to two years ago. Jean-Luc, our French neighbour in the mountain Christian’s brother, who I met two years ago the first time I visited this village. He was not at his young age anymore, but what a healthy and strong working man he seemed to be. One week ago, Christian got this bad news that Jean-Luc died in Mexico from choke caused by his diagnosized cancer. What a sorrow to the family that their beloved one died in a strange land and what they were expecting to see would be just a jar of dust.
Later tonight there are coming this New Zealand girl Eli and her friend. Eli and me have been in touch through couchsurfing since months and finally our meeting is coming up! And who knows that her mum called a moment ago telling me that Eli’s grandmother just died. Poor Eli, she is supposed to arrive happily instead of receiving bad news.
If souls can travel through oceans, I don’t mind Eli’s grandmother’s spirit coming to our house to see her grand-daughter. It’s kind of creating a weird air of energy now, but I know it’s a good one.
May all the spirits settle in eternal peace.
Yesterday I was appearing as such an ungrateful person. Nothing big happened to tell. Just in general. Sometimes our minds are so ignorant that they prevent us from knowing how blessed we are. Sergio has been showing so much love to me even though I was behaving like a baby. I think sometimes I took him as my parent, who allows me to be childish and unreasonable. And I took it for granted. I’m still learning hard everyday.
Today I had my lunch at Sonia’s cute hostel house in our neighbour village Buerba with her twin sister Ambaro, Ambaro’s “boyfriend” Gabriel, and the twins’ brother’s family. It was a lovely simple meal with some meat in it. But I enjoyed it so much. It’s so great to spend time with those about your nearly same age sometimes. Where we live are mostly occupied by aged people. Lovely thing to see too, more and more young people are quitting city life to live in the countryside, that’s what we call “Return to innocence”J
Sonia is one of the good female friends I made here. She’s been living here for 13 years. But after years of hard working with the hostel work with her exhusband Javier, she felt tired of the isolation and decided to quit everything here, even her marriage and start a new life as a student. Javier is still in great faith with his beloved mountain life and now building a new house into a workshop like hostel for artists in our village Vio. Looking at the life of people around, coming and going, ending and beginning, getting together or separating. This life seems to be the same to everyone, is an unknown number. Nobody is being away from this track of searching for something.
I talked to Sonia about my skin disturbance. Funny thing was that I just realized what a tiny problem I had been bragging about since this long after I told her how disturbed I’d been. My problem was really nothing compared to those of many others. Ambaro even played tarot for me for answering my question about my skin allergy. And I found something very interesting, the similarities in all problems, its cause, development, solution… let me share with you:
1. There are always full of regrets in our past.
2. We are all happy beings if we don’t refuse to admit it’s the truth.
3. The people we’ve encountered are no passengers, they appear for a reason. So learn from them,
love them, and help them, and grow with them.
4. We easily get bored with our life.
5. We normally either care too much what the others think about us, or listen nothing to others’ voice.
6. Our wanting to be perfect prevents us from being perfect.
7. If there’s a golden rule, that would be—be patient.
This confusing life is all a play by the tricky mind. Problems and worries are endless if we enslave ourselves for the mind ruling.
Sorry I sound so seriousJ today. I’m acctually fine and it’s been a bright sunny day.
With gratitude
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 32nd, 33rd, 34th—The priest’s bread looks very yummy.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010 Sunny & Cloudy
Hey beloved friend,
It’s true that I haven’t sent you an email since ages. But please don’t misunderstand that you are not in my heart anymore. You are still owning quite a big place in my heart, because what you’ve brought into my life is enormous and you still keep inspiring me, even though you don’t send me a word. Your vibes are strong and transmitting across oceans. I love you, my dearest friend and brother, just like how much you love me as a sister and friend.
Eli has moved to Dani’s place since he’s been back. She is really a sweetheart, and I see myself in her. That shyness, eagerness for freedom, passion, dreaming, good will. Obviously she’s searching, and very hard, like anyone of us. She loves having a notebook always with her, taking notes or doing some drawing or writing down few lines of new melodies whenever inspiration comes. Her speed in coming up with a new song, is really amazing. Her songs mostly are very sweet and gentle, like a lot her personality. I think Vio’s life has brought to her many interesting new stuff. She looks so busy with all these new discoveries.
Today is Vio’s annual village festival. Many former villagers and their family came back for the Mass and the collective lunch. I was in the Mass too. Of course, I really didn’t get much what the priest was talking. Some of the chanting appeared quite amusing to me and I couldn’t help laughing. The more I tried to make myself serious, the more I wanted to laugh and the harder I laughed. What was terrifying was that I was sitting at the front row. Finally I got myself calm down and could even answer one of the priest’s questions. I always wanted to taste a bit of that blessed bread taken by the priest. But never did it. I don’t know why I ddin’t dare to take it. It’s round shape and white, looks like a shrimp chip. I’d love to believe it’s sacred, and yummy.
After that came the lunch. I ate 4 steaks of roasted lamb. Honestly, they were really delicious. I ate more than necessary, but I didn’t feel bloated in stomach this time. Before, I always ended up having my stomach feeling like to explode. I guess it was because I ate much slower this time.
The festival will last until end of this week, and everyday we will be filled with lot of meat. I feel a bit nervous, but I keep my “108 days” plan close in mind;-)
Here chewing a very juicy sweet apple for you that I picked from our neighbour village. Love apples, coz they are universally friendly, like youJ
Yum Yum
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 35th—Life in the kinda September
September 9, 2010 Thursday Sunny
Hey beautiful friend Ami
The temprature has dropped so much these days, which makes me feel the sunshine is especially precious and today I went for a walk in the bright sun. I did it also as a getaway from the meaty village festivalJ there’s been so much meat everyday. Even though the non meat plates are so heavy and greasy. I’m sure they were all tasty, but surely not quite agreed with my stomach. When I was little, I thought I could eat non-stop, never imagining that one day I would want to escape.
As the weather gets cooler everyday, I notice the increasement in my anxiety, not only for food. I’m a worm when in cold, not wanting to move, or do anything. Sometimes I wish I could change my blood to that of the English. Have you seen those English wearing only shorts in 10ºC day? They are my heros.
I gave a yoga class this evening based on Sivananda style. It had been several years since last time I gave a yoga class. It acctually felt great. I don’t think I can ever reach the level that makes me feel like a teacher. Maybe it’s also because I don’t think yoga is a thing to be taught, a person like me is no more than a company. I am an instrument, there’s no better word to describe my position. And I really like that.
The Sivananda system is such a great way for people to rediscover their yogui nature. It’s simple, systematic, synthetic, and wholesome. A great miniature of this infinite realm. I’m really grateful that I found this path.
I like watching Sergio’s sister Mari Carmen working. She works fast and efficient yet the same time not seeming in a hurry or stress. And always with a smile. She’s so dedicated to her family. A helpful and supportive wife, and a very loving and understanding mother. And her way of being with people, is just so much full of love and vividness. You feel like being on the bright side of life when having her around. Never saw her complain or grumble. A rode model for all girls who want to grow up into a happy, responsible, multipotent woman.
Another person I want to talk about with admiration is Anna. Dani’s friend, who I met in 2008 the first time I came to Vio. She was also in the group. She is so young, but with so many spiritual qualities. I see in her purity, simplicity, devotion, humbility, sweetness, and diligence…… and the list doesn’t end. There’s an angelic halo over her. She’s here a week for helping Dani with house work. Seeing her smile makes me feel in bliss. I have taken her as my beloved Spanish little sister.
September, is the time of harvest, time for get together, time for recording good memories. The tenderest side of the sun. A season of love.
What are you busy doing these days, in this kind of September?
Wish you the bestJ
Love love love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 36th, 37th, 38th – Only love
September 12, 2010, Sunday Sunny
Dearest beloved friend
It’s been a whole week of festivals. Everyday we were eating, singing, dancing, talking all the time. It’s a bit tiring, but it has been very great experience. Family and friends reunion, making new friends, knowing new people, that’s how we human beings enjoy a sense of belonging. Last night was a sleepless night. We went to bed late and until 5 or 6 o’clock, there were this music group( here they called La Ronda) breaking into our bedroom! I was quite amused by all this and the music in midnight was so lovely. Although it was a bit crazy all these people’s behavior, and Sergio got a bit upset about how his sleeping was disturbed, but what a laughable night that made me see the Spanish festive spirit! I totally love those midnight strangersJ
Festivals mean eating nonstop. It’s been the first time since this long that I didn’t binge in a festival. I overate a bit but I accepted it and finally didn’t go out of mind. I ate meat, sweets, but I took it all fine. Even Sergio’s sister’s best cake didn’t drive me crazy. I noticed that my anxiety has been decreased.
We Eli and me gave a mini concert to the villagers and friends which lasted about 1 hour. Our purpose was to entertain them and enjoy the fun, though still this idea made us a bit nervous what if we were not good enough? We coplayed several songs together and several more seperately. Eli performed some of her own songs and they are acctually quite good and it would be more enjoyed if people got the lyrics. I sang all those 60’s American oldies and a couple of Chinese folk songs. Although the nervousness can really get me, but I’m truly enjoying more and more playing for the others.
I asked Eli whether it was possible to be in love with two persons at the same time. She said yes, and said even with more than two. When one has a big heart, it’s possible to let several people in at the same time. What do you think? I think it makes sense and am kinda being in this situation. But I am confused with whether my feelings are love or just one moment’s passion. They say time can tell, and love is no wrong. And looks like what we can only do is to keep loving.
I’m learning the song “King of the Road”. What a simple yet classic oldie!
I’d been thinking what meditation could really bring to me and today I just found out meditation itself means no expecting, so maybe it’s not important to explain what we can get from meditation, because it’s an art of taking things as they are and doing nothing. I’m slowing figuring out some yoga postures which are really for me personally.
We are having some really nice tomatos from the garden. The pumkins don’t seem to be fulfilling our expectations and they are just some small meatless decorative orange balls. But I still love them. I have to admit that I hadn’t given enough love and attention to the garden as I should. Still it didn’t betray me and has given as much as possible. I’m feeling very grateful. Farming is really one of the best things you could do. If I agree to have an identity, I would love to be called farmer.
And as a prospective farmer, I’m sending you my gratitude for the spiritual seeds you’ve sown in me.
Endless love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 39th, 40th, 41st, 42nd— The presence, the eternity.
September 16th, 2010, Thursday Rainy
How are you doing my dearest friend?
I’ve caught a bad cold and been being quite sick these two days. Just noticed that I hadn’t got this sick since long time. Even when I was little, back to those days when I was still lazy with doing sports or being careful with eating, I was a really strong little girl. I got cold from time to time but never fell into serious sickness. I was even praying everyday for that I got severe fever so that I didn’t have to go to school. And it never happened. Thinking about these one year and 4 months since I came to Spain, generally I have been well but small problems like skin problem, digestive difficulty due to my eating problem, muscle pain, migraine, etc have been really annoying me. Sometimes it’s not the big disease that destroys, it’s more those small annoyances that make you feel collapsed. I guess dealing with ED is my very important first step to rebuild my health. I really shouldn’t blame anymore. Things have come as blessings.
Today is Eli’s birthday. I made a chocolate cake based on Dani’s recepi. The cake was already made. I just needed to insert some fruit jam into the two layers between and melt the chocolate and put it on the top. It turned out really delicious. I also made a watermelon drink that was an alternative version of Dani’s sweetmelon drink. It was super easy too. Watermelon, some mint leaves from the garden, a bit lemon juice and all together were blended and you got the drink. So yummy and refreshing. I’ve learned so many tricks from the inspiration from Dani. I found that Dani is an ideal teacher because he sees the values in people and he makes you see yourself. Regarding teaching, he is perfect, though sometimes I hope he could talk lessJ
Talking about talking, I think most of us are acctually abusing words instead of correctly utilizing them. We talk too much. Time wasting long conversations, in the street, at the table, on the phone, with the internet, cellphone……we think that we’ve been intercommunicating well, but we don’t know that the efficiency is so low. Too much time wasted on technology or verbal communication looks rather disconnecting us on a higher level and it keeps us away from being at the present.
I talked to Eli last night about this after her long talk with her mum over the phone at Sergio’s place. I was trying to tell her, spending so much time on the phone was prevending her from enjoying her precious stay here. People go to an isolated place to learn to be detached, yet this all pervading technology is always in our way. We have so many excuses for a tiring conversation and never get ourselves a reason for listening to the silence, the talk from the soul. Of course, Eli was aware of that too, her case could be a bit different though, since her grandma’d just died, there must have been so many family exchange. I shouldn’t have been so not-understanding.
Learning to be at the present, is indeed an art of living.
Wish you great enjoyment of this moment.
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 43rd, 44th, 45th, 46th, 47th—Lemon Tree
Tuesday, September 21, 2010 Cloudy, rainy& sunny
Dearest Ami
I don’t know why I am feeling unhappy. I got no reason to feel that way. I have a shelther loctaed in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I have a life partner who adores me and holds me closely to his heart. I have the most lovable neighbour villagers who will simply bring me into big laughters. I have a garden that gives me wonderful surprise everyday. I am not binging and exercising myself from time to time. Why still I’m feeling so blue? For sure it’s not because of my skin problem, because it’s noticeably healing with the medication. Neither the weather though it’s depressingly gloomy. I know I must have felt unfulfilled somewhere, like any other struggling being in the world. Slowly I’m more and more understanding the daily excitement I used to highlight so much is not happiness. How I want to be bathed in enlightenment like being in the sun even though it would burn me, which I know won’t, coz it’s the eternal bliss.
I want to sing, and dance, experience any wonder of this universe. I’m not expecting them to make me feel good. I just want to experience the present, the reality. Can you take my hand and show me, my dear Ami?
Purest love for you
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 48th, 49th —Life is fair
Thursday, September 23, 2010 Cloudy
Hi dearest Ami
I cried today, with lots of tears shed, in front of a lady. Her name is Anna. A friend introduced by Sergio’s friend. She does massage and knows stuff like the relationship between emotions and physical diseases. She did a massage on my back. And she is obviously a very sincere massagist. I’m so grateful for what she’s offered. Then she asked me about how my allergy started and what particular changes happened in my life since last summer when my allergy appeared. I told her about my settlement in Vio, my work in Dani’s place and my relationship with Sergio. Then she asked me whether it was a desirable life for me with all those happenings. I thought for seconds and said I tried to stay positive but still felt very unfree. She tested the feelings in my chest and I really felt that I was so sad inside and there was this great blockage in my chest that I couldn’t relieve. Then I started to cry. I told her that I might have let the allergy happen myself because I wanted to protect myself and in my subconsciouse, it was a “no” saying to my independence on Sergio. I wanted so much to depend on myself, yet my situation didn’t allow me. She told me that I deserved whatever I wished and I shouldn’t live with any guilt or fear, and that no one had the right to steal my life. She is an incredible woman. My heart was slowy opened under her love guidance. She even suggested that since other things couldn’t be changed, and the only thing to change was my attitude.
I’m still in confusion but feel so much better. I know that there was something not right there. and I don’t have to always tell everyone that I’m all right. Even though I’m with a nice guy and having great people and friends around. I still have the right to feel not right and weak.
Later today, I don’t know why I started to talk with Sergio about money. I asked him for agreeing on that he give me 200 euros every month for my personal use so that I won’t need to ask him everytime since I could plan the usage myself. He said he would agree on 100 euros. He was with a joking tone yet I knew that he meant that. Still the way how he was so careless and laughing at my “humble” needs hurt me. And I cried. I said that I hated being dependent on anyone. And even the one I relied on so much wouldn’t want to understand it.
Finally I dropped the topic and I have decided not to mention about it anyway. I will let things stay the way it was. Money is a bombing topic, never should we talk about it.
But you know what, my dear friend, I’ve decided to end this relationship in spring time. It may sound silly how much I’ve made the whole story like a plan with a schedule. But seriously, I know that it’s the time when this will happen. It’s not a revenge or desperate act, it’s jut, I feel like being alone. And what Sergio had treated me has been totally fair and it was a lot. and I won’t complain anything. It’s just that, relationship is not for me, at least now and in near future and I need to be independent, emotionally, physically and financially. Me and Sergio had the luck to walk on the same path for a while, but I know it’ll not be for always. I appreciate it, really I do.
I am continuously living happily with a bright smile, to Sergio, to everyone, to the Sun and too, to the clouds. Life is all fair and beautifulJ
I love you!
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 50th, 51st, 52nd, 53rd, 54th— Yeba, an angelic dog!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010 Sunny
Dearest Ami
It has been such a beautiful day. The sun was shining and my heart was flying. I spent almost the whole day playing guitar in the sun in Ramon’s backyard, which is located at the end of the village and where you have the best views around.
I was pratising for the upcoming gig of Eli and me. Thanks to Dani, whose friend in the city Zaragoza has a patio place for musicians, has helped arranged all this for us. What a great opportunity he is making for us. Of course our motivation is to have great musical fun or just for the love of it, still it’s like a childhood dream coming true. Singing with guitar and microphone, in front of lot of people, I only pictured that in daydreaming. I will do cover songs, while Eli will play her own songs. You should listen to her works, they are really original and have something special. I’m falling in love with one of her most recent written songs. I wish I could do my own songs too. But for this moment, I’m so happy just singing those already made. There are so many of them, and they are so beautiful. 7 notes can create such a beautiful and colorful musical world, isn’t it amazing?
I was trying to combine a Chinese poem with Manu Chao’s “Me gusta tu”. I played it to Sergio, but he didn’t seem to like it. Still I love a lot this kind of game, mixing great songs with my own elements.
We had an extremely exhausting hiking the day before yesterday. Dani, Eli, Sandra and me. We walked like 12 hours. We got lost somewhere and encountered a dog, and 3 donkeys with perhaps one of them being a horse. The 3 were hiding behind a bush and the dog was guarding them. Funny thing was that the dog was barking around and seemed to want to guide us to somewhere. Forgetting that we were lost we just followed it along a widing path, which we thought was leading us faraway from our destination. The dog was dirty and hungry but was very energetic. It was smelling around and continued to head forward. Finally we found ourselves into the car road. We were found again! And the village we were looking for was just 30 minute walk away along the road. So the dog was trying to help us. What a magical dog! Interestingly, it didn’t seem to want to go back where it was, because it saw us all the way back to our neighbour village Buerba. And we did something very disgrateful. We got on Sergio’s car back to Vio leaving the poor dog, our savior in Buerba. None of us had the possible conditions to accommodate it and also we learned that it had its owner. Thinking that it might be able to head back to its place, we abandoned it. I was feeling really bad for this lovely dog, though at the first place, I saw it only as a poor dirty vagabond dog. At least we should have given it a great meal before letting it leave. But we didn’t.
Yet the story hasn’t ended, we got it back! Dani was called to get it from Buerba since the poor thing was still in the same place, having no food and no home. Finally Dani decided to keep it. And it’s now in Vio!
You can’t imagine how smart this dog is. The way it guided us, the calm way it’s showing, so tamed. It wouldn’t enter the house without permission. We are not yet 100% sure whether it’s she dog or he. Most probably it’s a she from the way it pees. But it’s still quite dirty and not proven to be a healthy dog yet, we haven’t dared to touch it to get close to it to see its sex, and he has very long hair. We are indeed very happy to have kept “her” finally. Tomorrow Dani will bring her to vetenarian to check her health state. I pray for her well being. What a lovable creature. I’ve never been so touched by a dog like her. She saved us and she’s our lucky star. She’s now named as Yeba.
I had some barbecued lamb done by Sergio for dinner. But he didn’t put enough salt on that and I felt sick after eating it. My eating has acctually been going very well. I haven’t binged at all. Of course, I still have craving for lots of foods, like sweets etc. But I didn’t go over the top.
Most of my mousquito bites are healed after taking the medication prescribed by the dermatologist and that has really relieved me greatly.
The tomatos from our garden are amazing, I wish you could come and try them. Dolita, uncle Jesus’s sister showed me how to preserve tomatos yesterday. She will even teach me how to make socks out of sheep hair. Country life is so interesting!
Sending you lots of harvest fun of this beautiful autumn time.
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 55th – Love without Sex
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 Sunny
Dearest Ami
I just came back from Ainsa, where we normally do our shopping. It’s about 40 minutes away on car. I checked my mailbox but didn’t see anything from you. I said that you could take your time to reply my last email but see, I am still expecting that you could write me back as soon as possible. It’s been too long since last time I saw your name in my email box. And I really miss that.
I told Dani that I felt something changing in my relationship with Sergio. He thought that I was thinking about leaving Sergio. Although I did have this kind of thought several times, I am not really making any decision. I want to leave things in the hands of God. It is my first time being with someone in a name of a serious relationship, but I don’t want to use as an excuse for my doubts and confusions. I knew that I had to experience relationship but I have never been sure that I acctually need one. Maybe I did, but now, I don’t know.
Sergio doesn’t seem to be very happy with me today. Normally he appeared not so friendly when we hadn’t had intimacy for a while. It’s true that we have sex less and less often. I don’t know why my sexual energy feels so low. I just don’t want to, yet he is so expecting. It has made me feel really guilty. Anna, the massagist, told me, if I didn’t want to, then I didn’t need to force myself to do it, not even should I feel any guilty. But still I do. I feel that’s what he wants the most from me, even though he won’t admit it. I really don’t know whether it’s because I am having less desire for him, or it’s just my energy being low.
I’m thinking about moving into another room tomorrow. I want to feel my own space.
I’ve told you about the 200 euros story. Then I never mentioned it again. But the next day I was very cold to him the whole day. Then in the bed at night, he hugged me, and I started to cry nonstop and couldn’t speak a word. The next morning i cried again before getting up. I didn’t know why I felt so sad. Although Sergio appeared so caring and supportive, it didn’t release any of the sadness in me. I told him that I wanted a free relationship, coz I wanted to feel the independence and I’d love to see him being free too. He said I could do whatever I wanted to do, but still, I knew he didn’t quite get it.
Women are complicated animals. We are just impossible.
Dani told me the best way to save a relationship, is to lock the door and throw the key. I’m not sure with that. Feeling stuck is really not a pretty life situation.
Still I don’t feel any appetite for sex. And I don’t want to do it coz I feel I’m owing Sergio something. That’s not the way it should be, is it?
Tell me what I should do.
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 56th, 57th, 58th – Manual for well-being
Saturday, October 02, 2010 Sunny
Dearest Ami
It’s been such a sunny week. I’m really grateful for the generosity of the sun.
We are planning to go to Zaragoza today. Eli is going to leave for the south from there and we two are gonna give a gig in Dani’s friend’s place tomorrow night. We were supposed to leave this morning and in the end we are still waiting for Dani to finish his work. And now it’s almost 20h. Dani’s very bad sense of time sometimes can be really annoying. He keeps people waiting. Although he is not aware of that, he’s really devalued others’ time by keeping them wait. Living and working with Dani is a great practice of patience. But I got really frustrated sometimes. Should I help him improve or just let him? I’m not sure I’d love to work with him for this project in the future if he continues to act like that, though it looks like something that is designed for me.
Last night we went for a dinner at a friend’s hostel house in our neighbour village Buerba. Sonia is the owner and her twin sister Ambaro is also staying there. Ambaro is a big talker and her talk could go for hours, with topics centered on herself. I don’t understand much Spanish and I didn’t even quite enjoy such a monolog. Somehow I started to be annoyed by the fact that Sergio seemed to be so drawn to the talking and I had never seen him laugh so much even when being with me. And I started to feel angry. I tried to ease down this resented feeling but it was so difficult. I can’t say it’s something about jealousy, or boredom or whatever. It might just have been that I had been frustrated with the fact that this relationship was not satisfying anymore, so I easily found myself an excuse to be uncontented with Sergio. Honestly, he didn’t do anything wrong.
I don’t know why, I just feel he and me don’t rhyme anymore. It’s so painful to feel that way. What can I do? If I go on like this, I’m gonna ruin all and hurt Sergio and what will leave for me will be just regret and guilt.
Ami, please tell me what a relationship is. Is there existing everlasting love? I cried again in front of Sonia today. I told her that my relationship with Sergio was not gonna work then I burst into tears.
I’ve shown cold shoulders to Sergio since last night. Looks like I really don’t love him anymore. And in his part, he seemed to know nothing. But I feel guilty, guilty, so guilty!
Eli today showed me her self introspective manuel, in which she writes down her ideal life and must-do measures when things go wrong. I am really impressed by that. I really like this girl. She is not just being positive, she is active to change. And her words are always full of understanding, compassion and comfort, also wisdom. Her stay here has helped me see lot of into myself.
I will tell you how it goes tomorrow.
I breathe, and am feeling my feet on the earth. I am a lucky one. Why should I moan?
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 59th, 60th, 61st, 62nd, 63rd, 64th – Yeba, don’t you want to stop barking?
Friday, October 08, 2010 Sunny and cloudy
Dearest Ami
It’s almost been a week that I didn’t write. Our gig in Zaragoza went well. The last minute we were told that there wouldn’t be microphone. Although I was fine with that, since I had been unplugged in the streets so many time, doing without microphone could do me very good, still I was a bit disappointed. I never heard how my singing sound like through microphone. I’d like that my curiosity be fulfilled. And it rained hard for quite a while. We two, Eli and me, with the audience, friends and family of Dani, were feeling quite cosy under two huge umbrellas. We sang for one and half hours and people seemed to enjoy it. There came a Chinese guy too. He saw my notice in couchsurfing forum, and came. Great surprise for me. The gig day I also had a severe migraine but it went after the gig. Looked like the singing helped. I know that there would be more gigs coming in the future. But the first official one for me, doing with Eli, really has great special meaning. Thanks to Dani.
I felt great being in Zaragoza. It’s so much cleaner than Barcelona with so much more peace.
I just wrote a song these 4 days. It’s named “It’s getting cold”. It talks about my longing for warmth and spiritual enlightenment. It even surprised myself that I could work a song out. There surely has some inspiration from Eli. It’s so amazing how our life could be influenced by the people that come to us.
So our hero dog turned out to be a macho, as I had expected. I’m really a lot more interested in male dogs than the females. We finally named him Yeba, the village he had helped us find. Since Dani has left, Sergio and I have taken over the responsibility of taking care of him. I’ve never seen such an attached dog. He gets so nervous if he doesn’t see us around. He will bark so hard and run like crazy. This morning we left on car and brought two couchsurfing friends to Ainsa. He started to bark desperately and ran after our car. The barking pained me so much. Just imagined what a life being ignored by his former owner he had had. He was freaked out when seeing his new owner go away. Poor thing, must have been thinking we were deserting him. When we came back and passed by Buerba, to our great surprise, we saw the poor thing sitting by the road waiting for us. He had chased the car for 3 kilometers! I went out of the car and walked him back home via a shortcut. Although we love this dog very much but feel a lot worried to see how dependent he is on us. Keeping a cat is really a lot easier. I’d love to buy a book on dogs’ behavior to study how to take better care of Yeba.
I never thought I would keep a dog. Life is really full of surprises.
How have you been?
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 65th, 66th – Another song
Sunday, October 10, 2010 Rainy
Dearest friend
I wrote another song today, actually I’ve started from last night. It’s for Yeba. And it’s named Yeba. I myself quite like it. I tried to play it for Sergio wanting so much to share the fun. Disappointedly, he asked me not to play it again saying that he was tired of hearing this tune since I’d practised and repeated it so many times. I suddenly flew into rage and left for my room. How I was not expecting that he dampened my enthusiasm and it felt quite hurting. He tried to appologize and I told him that I didn’t like him anymore, I actuallly meant it. These days we have been taking turns being angry with each other. I don’t know whether it’s because we don’t feel satisfied with the relationship anymore. We’d been sleeping separately these days except last night. It turned out that my health issue in the past one year really does have something to do with my sleeping condition. First I don’t feel right when sharing with other person a bed, second, the bed is really not comfortable, it’s small and the matress sinks. I’d been sleeping on the tilted edge of the bed for a whole year! No wonder my neck and back have been hurting so much. I promise I won’t easily sleep on that bed anymore only except for undesirable situations.
Sorry that I’ve been complaining so much. Sergio is a great person. But as you know, being in a relationship makes you judge. We’ve been through lots of great moments but it’s undeniable that we disagree in many things too.
So let’s get back to my two first songs in life (actually I had my first song written in my teenage time but it was not a song that spoke for my heart so it doesn’t really count), honestly I love them so much, coz it’s really talking about what I want to say and I know it’s a higher power that helped me finish them. I’m feeling so grateful. The whole process was a great worship. I’m thinking since I don’t actually quite enjoying writing articles, song composing could be a great way for me to express myself.
Yeba is still a baby. He always gets so hurt and nervous when it seemed that we were deserting or ignoring him. I love him so much and want to pet him all the time and make him know that he is being loved. He’s a naughty one too, in a rainy day like today, he’d been running around everywhere and got himself soaked all over. I had to lock him in his kennel.
We harvested some potatos from the garden yesterday. They are not many and very small too. I guess the reason is that they were growing in the shades. Still it’s a harvest.
The other day I was talking with my mum over phoone. She told me she’d been worried about me so much that she couldn’t sleep during the night. She said she was worried that Sergio was not a good enough boyfriend who could be able to take care of me and she didn’t know when I could get married and settle down. In front of her, the only feeling I have had since always is guilty and again guilty. How could I let her know that I don’t actually want to marry anyone and my relationship with Sergio might not even last longer than next springtime.
My eating has been normal. Hopefully I’m gradually leaving my binge habit behind. Thanks to your being with me all the time spiritually throughout all this time and space.
I made a banana cake with microwave with the recipe from Eli, it’s yummy, a bit hard though. I am falling in love with this way of making cake. You know my cakes I did with oven never rose. And with microwave, it does! And it takes only 10 minutes.
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 67th, 68th – You got to know that you deserve it.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010 Cloudy to sunny
Dearest Ami
We are having less and less communication, Sergio and I. Actually Sergio has always been talking very little about what he thinks. I was fine with that coz I loved he was always listening to me so attentively. But it makes me frustrated to think he never shared his world with me. Especially these days when I have been feeling that our relationship is on the edge. I still love him, but this love, is more the kind of love I feel for many others, universally. It’s not a being in love’s love. Is it true that men are really from Mars?
Yeba has been barking so much, except for the moments when he is sure that we are nearby. I get so confused about this barking, which I don’t know is showing that he is happy, nervous or afraid. At least, we can help with lot of good food and care, which hopefull will gradually calm him down. He seems to become stronger and stronger everyday. You should see how cute he is.
I wrote my third song yesterday. It’s called You Got to Know That You Deserve It. It’s a song to encourage people to leave their guilt behind and go for happiness as they deserve. It’s a bit rocky song and I myself really love it. When inspiration wants to come, you really can’t resist it. I know that it’s all from power above, I’m just his pen. And I quite enjoy being his instrument.
I am feeling my energy being very very low. I feel so tight in my head, it’s not an actual ache, but feels very uncomfortable. My neck hurts so much. The normal massage here is too light for me. I once had this Chinese hotpot therapy many years ago, and it worked so well. I really miss that. I might try to get a Chinese Tuina massagist soon.
I made a cake with blackberry jam that I made the other day. Of course, it was with microwave again. And it turned out to be so yummy again;-)
Dani is now in Barcelona and leaving for Nepal and India tomorrow. The travel will last for 6 months. Looks like he’s really very determined to live up to this spiritual journey. Wish all the best for him.
For you tooJ
Love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 69th, 70th, 71st, 72nd, 73rd, 74th —Breaking up is not too hard to do, but it still hurts
Monday October 18th, 2010 Sunny
Hey dearest Ami
So I broke up with Sergio today. I didn’t know it would happen so soon. I know it appears out of sudden to many others, including Sergio himself. But not for me. I knew it would come the moment, but it came so soon, it was a bit surprising. The trigger was yesterday, when it was my birthday, I’d asked Sergio’s friend Javier to come for dinner and he agreed, but in the end he didn’t show up without having informed anything. I went to his house and called him, he didn’t answer yet I saw the light. It was really rude to me. I really hate people not keeping their promises for no reason. I asked Sergio today whether Javier said something, he answered that he didn’t ask, and Javier said nothing either. I suddenly felt how little respect they were showing to me. It was my birthday, I prepared lot of thing with lot of care and energy, and ended up being stood up and my own boyfriend didn’t take the least shit of it. He was this calm and careless God to me, but now appeared so feelingless. So I told him that we were over coz he cared nothing about me more than my ass.
Of course, it was not a very reasonable line, coz I was in rage. He did care about me somewhat more than that, but it’s like a bed, it would turn out to be a nightmare finally if it was not the right one. Sergio and I, we just don’t rhyme. He said all right and has agreed on the ending of the relationship, like always, being so careless, which had really hurt me a bit.
So I have to go. I’m thinking about going to Barcelona for the winter time. I don’t think I will go to Vipassana first, I need money, I really do. I will stay in this house only until end of this month. I feel relieved somewhere, but I have to say, I’m feeling painful inside too. I wouldn’t be so angry with the whole birthday being stood up thing if Sergio didn’t appear so careless.
I thought my relationship was affected it was because I have had some crush on another guy, who’s living in an isolated village 3 hours by walk alone whole year long. Today I found out it was not that. I wouldn’t’ let my heart go if Sergio was showing lot of care and respect that would make me feel myself valued, even if I could have crush on any other one.
My time after here is gonna be hard coz I need to look for work. But with my paper situation, I can’t work officially. I’m thinking about singing. But you know, in winter time, things could be so much in recession. Anyway, my time being selfreliant is back, I’m actually kind of excited about that. Being angry and complain will only hurt myself, so I need to get myself calm down. For Sergio, I always have lot of love and respect. Javier, the same, I don’t like him, honestly, but I respect him and still take him as friend.
My eating was a bit disturbed in the past two days, with my craving for those very sweet grapes. Once I started I couldn’t stop. Luckily I didn’t go crazy in the end.
Please cross your fingers and pray for my luck and strength, you know, that will mean so much to me.
Much love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 75th – Reconcilation
Tuesday October 19, 2010 Sunny
Dearest Ami
So we reconciled, right this morning. I went out to the corridor when he came out of his room. I hug him and he to me, too, so tightly that I knew that he still cared about me much. I was not any more angry this morning when I woke up, and realized that how much I still loved and cared about him. So I took this initiative, since I’d been taking initiatives all my life, I didn’t mind seizing this time again. And I’m happy that I did. I still don’t know why I cried so much when he was holding me in his arms. I should have been happy, but I knew there were still so many confusions in my mind, which could lead us into more fights and pains. Any way, I decided not to think about too much about the future. Sergio is perhaps not the right bed for me, but surely he’s got a heart of gold, that makes me feel safe and peaceful, though sometimes frustrates me a bit since it could be so stoney. After yesterday’s breakup incidence, we are feeling so much for each other, like new couple, with the feeling of being in love.
I’d been working on my new song “Hey Hey” these few days, and finally got it done today. It’s a song about feeling great in a good day and good place. Sounds very upbeat. I guess it’s because that today I really feel great, which became an inspiration for this song.
I really love this song writing process. It’s almost impossible for me not be able to find harmony between the notes, chords, lyrics. Once I got a line of lyrics or a piece of melody that I have lot of feeling for, then creation process can start right away. And every word is so much of what I want to say. Never found any other way of self expressing I’ve tried so fulfilling like this one. I hope so much one day I can share this fun with you.
I have much craving for meat and heavy food these days, I guess it’s because my period is coming.
I go to bed now, and I will bear your name in mind and bring it into a very sweet dream.
Much love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 76th, 77th, 78th, 79th, 80th—Fanatic mushroom hunters
Sunday, October 24, 2010 Cloudy and rainny
Dearest Ami
The weather is changing now. It has been cloudy, rainy and now very windy today. Winter is not far. Every year, 4 seasons come and go, everything is changing, yet following the same cycle. I think that’s why our life is also explained as cycles. We go and come back, possibly thousands of times already.
These weekends have been a family and friends reunion time. Spanish family reunions are always like festivals. Tons of drinks, food and lots of laughters. They are very easy people in blood. That’s why I feel a lot happier here than in France. Today we had this famous Spanish paella done with fire. It was really tasty.
I’ve been eating so much these days. Although I haven’t reached the point resorting to binge, I haven’t been very happy with my eating more than I really needed. I don’t know whether it was because of the weather or my menstruation is coming, I feel so much craving for meat and heavy food. Slow eating is still a big step for me to take. It is not easy for me, but I know once I make it, it’s gonna be such a huge aid in my food issue.
Yeba is indeed a cutie, yet some people think he is not smart and a coward. I feel so much for this dog. It reminds me very much of the two times when I kept a cat back to my childhood. Because my mum didn’t actually like keeping animals at home and hated that the cats were pooing around and stinking the house, so she tied my first cat with a thin rope around his neck that had pained him so much that he had a red and swollen cut, finally he was given away. The other one didn’t have good time neither, and was given away too, what’s worse, was I heard it was cooked and eaten. I cried like crazy. But I could do nothing. I was living at a so called home, but it was not a place that I could really take care of my pet since my mum was in charge. And now Yeba, it’s under charge of Sergio and I am also under his roof. So I can’t take care of him in my way either. The last two days that Yeba was treated agressively and unfairly by another dog that belongs to Sergio’s brother’s girlfriend, and the other people didn’t seem to care at all. I felt so sorry for my poor Yeba. He was adopted from nowhere but should deserve the same kindness too. He is a smart dog, he feels scared because he is not an aggressive dog but he needed to cry out to protect himself. I hug him and say good things to him as much as possible. I belive love can turn stone into gold. He definitely will have great luck.
It’s so amazing to see how much passion the men here have for mushrooms hunting. I went the other day with a neighbor villager here to look for mushrooms since the season had arrived. Then I promised to myself I would not do that anymore, at least not with a guy. Those guys are just so fascinated by the activity in places where are full of bushes, thorns and you only see winding and not clearedly marked small paths. So I’ve decided to stay realistic, and will only take part in the tasting part. J
We’ve had so many mushrooms these days.
It’s so windy outside, I hope Yeba sleeps well tonight.
Much love to you
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 81st, 82nd, 83rd—Sun hunter
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 Sunny
Dearest friend
You won’t believe what beatuiful weather days we have had these two days, and we are already in end of October high in the Pyrenees, and it just snowed the day before yesterday. You don’t know how much I love the brightly sunny day. It’s just cheering up every level of my energy. I’m totally a Sun worshipper. Finally I got my Sun Hunter song 95% done. In the first place, I was thinking about making the song something that would talk about my passion and my life goal. Interesting thing is that the deeper I went into the writing, the more I saw what I should write. And finally it comes out as a song talking about a cosmically commun way of living of all. Like all other beings, we all have a tendency towards the place where there’s lot of Sun, or towards to the things or people that project the characteristics owned by the sun. It’s not a coincidence. It’s a universal law that we all have come to this world for seeking something. Once we’ve found or realized the thing that we seek, then we don’t need to come to a life anymore. I n a material and natural way, this thing is the sun, in a spiritual way, this thing is love, wisdom, self-realization…… I don’t ask or answer in the song. I made the song in a way of a connection between “he” and “she” with the former as a character from a Chinese myth and the latter, as whoever it could be, narrowly speaking, me, or genenally, everyone else. The lyrics are almost chosen, but still, it’s open to amendment. Sun hunter is a name I chose for myself, while at the same time, I know it’s not what I really am. Once I know who I am, I guess I would have fulfilled my life purpose.
I just love digging into my soul by writing songs. I will send my lyrics to you and would be so grateful if you could help amend them a bit. I don’t feel awkward using English while writing songs, but I know there’s so much to learn and improve. I’m sure there’s quite a part of them is weird EnglishJ
Here I am doing a round of Surya Namaskar with you.
Love and lot of sunshine
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 84th, 85th— Jesus, the one who always stays with God
Friday, October 29, 2010 Cloudy
Dearest Ami
Jesus is finally back from hospital. Maybe I haven’t talked to you yet anything about this old man. Jesus, considered as the God of our village Vio—by me, is quite an important person here. Vio is not Vio anymore if without Jesus. No one would want to imagine what would happen if Vio didn’t have Jesus. Who would guard the grave yard? Who would open the church door for people? Who would keep playing and singing for people dancing in festivals? Who would keep people laughing? Who would be sitting in front of the churching carving wooden spoons? Who would teach the younger generation with gardening? Jesus is the spirit of this village. Things would be so different if he was not here. Two weeks ago, he didn’t feel quite well so the next day Sergio brought him to the nearest health center, found to be in a serious condition, and he was brought to a much bigger town nearby, and then found in a dangerous situation, he was sent by helicopter to the capital city of this province. I didn’t quite get what his problem was, I guess it was coronary thrombosis that made his heart not get enough blood. Now he is fine, but can’t walk too much or move heavy stuff. And he is on a diet, salt and fat- free, with grains and vegetables mainly. I visited him and found him still in good spirit, still talkative and with his forever smiling red face. Really an adorable man. I pray for his forever well-being. Good health in body and spirit, is just so the most important, for everyone, isn’t it?
Wow, it’s kinda unbelievable to think, how much meat I’ve eaten in these two weeks as the days are getting cold. It’s 10 times more than I had during the 4 years before one year ago when I was vegetarian. I feel like so much eating heavy stuff. And I don’t consider that I’m having a real meal if there’s no meat in it. I’m kinda missing those days when I felt no need for meat and being quite contented with simple food like rice and vegetables. I can’t say what I’m experiencing now is bad, I know it happens for a reason. At least, I’m developing a non-binge habbit. My commitment for this 108 Days trial is getting due in about 3 week time. I feel that afterwards it could last until forever. I am clearly feeling that there’s been great progressJ
As I’m understanding more what it is like being in a relationship, I more realize that relationship is indeed a garden more than a museum. A garden that we need to work on, otherwise it goes wild and fade away, rather than a done museum, untouchable, unchangeable, and that we visit maybe only a few times in our life, or never. A garden will grow if we give, and we will be rewarded with that too. There’s so much to learn.
What is your garden like?
Much love to you
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 86th— Where’s the sun?
Saturday, October 30, 2010 Cloudy and rainy
Dearest Ami
I made fig jam again today. I made my first fig jam two days ago and it got burned a bit, then I put some pieces of ginger into the jar and left it in the fridge and now the burn smell has gone! Isn’t it amazing? I just love ginger. I put some into the pot while I was cooking the fig today and the jam came out to be very tasty with very pleasant smell. I am gonna give this second jar to Dorita, Jesus’s sister, since she loves figs.
We will eat together tonight with the villagers. Jesus and Dorita are not coming because Jesus is still weak and being on diet. It’s better for him to be away from festive stuff for a while. Wine and ham are his passions. Anyway, I miss a lot those festivals when Jesus was there. He is such a joyful angel.
I made a banana cake again, for dinner later. I told you about the recipe given by Eli right? Since I’ve learned how to make this cake with microwave, I’ve already made it many times. It’s really practical for parties, because it’s simple, yummy and fast! Once I get back from Vipassana sits and service, I’d love to start to make my own bread. I’m really getting very tired of the white bread here. It tastes like paper and doesn’t nourish at all. And here is not like in France, where you easily get different types of bread according to personal likings. here what you get is only normal white bread, or white bread softer or harder.
I don’t know whether it’s because of the weather. Sergio is being very cold to me today. Anyway, he is like that from time to time for no reason. I used to find that he appeared colder when we had less sexual activities. But today, he seemed to have something else. I tried to talk to him, he said he was all right. That’s what has frustrated me since always, he is so lazy in communicating. Are all men like that? Like somewhere a book says, they go back to their caves when they are not right and don’t want to talk. It makes my heart cold when I see him behave like that. People say you need love, respect and faith for maintaining a relationship. It’s just too hard to remember that when you find everything is so cold around. The weather, the house, the person……
How I want to touch the sun!
Love and lot of warm sun to you!
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 87th, 88th, 89th, 90th, 91st, 92nd—The paths are many
Friday, November 5th, 2010 Sunny
Dearest Ami
It’s been such a beautiful sunny week since I came back to Vio on Tuesday. I’ve skipped so many days of writing diaries. Anyway, I don’t want to force myself to do a thing. Anything that becomes an obligation becomes a burden and it brings pain. That’s how I feel about yoga, and so many other things. Interestingly, living in this world brings us a strong sense of being obliged to do a thing, otherwise, the guilt comes. Forced obligation, or pain from guilt, what are you gonna choose? Life is not easy, yet lots of philosophies tell us that it’s easy if we are wise and spiritually enlightened, renouncing a worldly life. I once a twice thought that should be my path, being a 100% spiritual practitioner, or at least a 80% one. but I’ve just realized that, given a worldly life, living as an ordinary person, itself is a spiritual path. Why should I be ashamed of being worldly? I think, even though I still eat meat, I don’t do yoga or meditation every day, does it mean that I’m on a wrong path? If I feel what I’m doing is following the pace of the nature, why should I doubt myself?
Wow, it’s only about 2 weeks before my “108 days” is due. It’s really a great step. You know I even have confidence to continue to another “108 days” or even more till ever. I eat everything now. but I do pay a lot of attention to how my body react. For example, I feel dizzy and low energy if I eat sweets in the afternoon time. Dairy food and eggs give me the same feelings.So do mushrooms. Pasta is not my strength either. I noticed that lamb and beef do me quite good, and some chicken too. My stomach is quite sensitive to soy products. I’ve replaced soy milk with oat or rice drink. For vegetables, now I go often for green beans, lettuce, silver beets, spring onions, carrots, and pumkins. I feel that my body needs lot of yang energy, too much vegetables or fruits is acctually not a good idea. Whole grains make me feel really good. At least for this moment, this intuitive way of eating suits me a lot.
It’s been several days for me being alone living in this big house until today. Sergio has been in Orillena and will get back tomorrow. Honestly, I don’t like living alone in a big house. My imagination scares me with all those haunting images from movies. Every night, I checked well every corner of the house and blocked the door of my bedroom with a heavy desk, since it has no lock. Tonight finally here came some people from the family. So I’m not aloneJ
Will tell you more tomorrow. Need to sleep now.
Eat well and be well
Much love
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 93rd, 94th, 95th, 96th, 97th, 98th, 99th – Urticaria
November 12th, 2010, Friday Sunny
Hey Ami
I’m suffering urticaria these days. I’m not sure why it happens. It might be the things I ate. I have had quite some sugar these days. Might be the environment, you know the countryside place. It might be something in my subconscious that is sending me some unknown messages. I have rash everywhere. I really hate all this skin allergy thing. It has given me so much hard time, since always. I really can’t take it anymore. And it always happens from nowhere. I don’t know what to do. Going to see dermologist again. I hope it is gonna be the last time. Looks like no one understands how much I’ve been suffering from this. Even the dermologist. Alas…… “yesterday, all my troubles seemed so faraway……”
Sorry, I’m in sufferings, I don’t feel like writing much.
Good night, dear friend. I pray for your wellbeing.
Love
Qing
108 Days Without Binge 100th—God is love.
Saturday, November 13rd, 2010 Sunny
Dearest Ami
It was such a beautiful sunny day that I wanted to stripe off all my clothes and bathe in the sun. But with all the rash all over my skin, I can’t even move properly. Still I went for a jog from Buerba back to Vio. I passed Casa Maria and said hello to the twins. Sonia was preparing herself to meet her boyfriend in Jaca. Newly in-love people always look so happy. I thought I was not being in love with Sergio though I loved him. But then I found that I am still being in love. He to me, maybe not. As he said, he felt good being with me. A person like him, maybe doesn’t really have a concept for a thing. He feels it, but never feels like describing it. Like many others, I’m making the same mistake, expecting a lot from the other one., and ending up being unsatisfied. I was trying to start teaching him English and Chinese today, and I asked him to sit closer yet he said he was all right where he was. I insisted on that and he insisted on not moving. Then I suddenly lost the mood of teaching. I didn’t know why I cared so much. Now I can explain that. The distance influences the energy and the connection. I intuitively knew that he should sit closer for me to better communicate with him. He didn’t, and in a way, not showing enough respect to the one who would teach, and neither enough sincere attitude. Later on, I didn’t want to talk to him, but neither did I explain anything to him. Still the same thing, it’s almost impossible to exchange with this guy. He is a stone, like the mountain rock. Sometimes I can just get so annoyed by his carelessness. Indeed, women want lot of attention. It’s not completely all men’s fault.
Today it’s the birthday of one of the neighbors, Maria Jose. She doesn’t actually live here. She is Ramon’s neice. She normally lives in Paris for her work. But obviously she loves here a lot, so always tries to come back for the weekends whenever she can. We ate so much today, including me. But I was controlled well, didn’t go crazy. I had myself taken some pictures today. I guess I don’t want to be a photo-phobia anymore. Why I don’t like photos? Coz I normally look very awful in photos. And people normally give a faky smile in a photo, including me again. So I guess I just need to be sincere and truethful in front of the cameras. I will be great, I am sure;-)
I’ve added music to a mantra we used to do a lot in the ashram. It turned out to be very beautiful. The music came so natural that I didn’t need to think about anything. It’s like something coming from my blood, the inside.
I keep on living and keep on smiling, laughing, and crying. I don’t want to run away from anything. I want to experience this life thoroughly and whole-heartedly.
The sun and the moon are so great. Do you see that in California?
Love and peace
Yours Qing
108 Days Without Binge 101st, 102nd, 103rd – Happy Birthday!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010 Sunny & Windy
Dearest Ami
The dermatologist told me that I got enzema, as I’d guessed. I know you understand how annoying this can be. I don’t have any confidence on the medication here. The whole system feels very ridiculous to me. They give you a painkiller and you come back more and more with a bigger pain. It just doesn’t help. They never talk about how I should care regarding food, which has been playing such an important role in our life. The more I go to the doctors here, the weaker I feel myself is. This moment, I really miss China, looks like the doctors there have studied harder in schools. I believe everyone should learn to be their own doctor. I’m doing this now. I’ve decided not to take the medicine given. I am on a whole rice diet. I apply calendula oil and tomorrow I will do an oatmeal bath. For sure, I will sit for some meditative time.
The whole rice meals are great. I love grains. I will do it for at least a month. This time is really not for loosing weight. I have to do this, since no one seems to be able to help me. And what makes me sadder, is to think that maybe the whole allergy thing is a message telling me that Sergio is not the one for me, and neither this place. I’m trying not to think negatively, but for sure I should learn from all these negativities. I’m not writing well, because I’m really being in a bad mood.
Sorry to talk about all these sad things on your birthday. How are you? How will you celebrate it? why haven’t you written to me? I wish all the best for you.
Much love
Qing
108 Days Without Binge 104th, 105th, 106th— What if I was a Buddhist?
Friday, November 19, 2010 Cloudy
Dearest Ami
I’ve been here in Orillena myself for 3 days. I decided to stay here alone since I thought being alone could help me control my diet and emotions as well. And if it is really for something in Vio or in the house that I’m allergic to, it’s better to stay away from it for a while. I was thinking not to take the pills prescribed by the dermatologist, but in the end, I surrendered, and I took it and still am. It is just such a suffering with all this itchiness. I remember some yoga book that talks about Karma saying one gets itchy skin if he’s killed a snake in his previous life. I guess I must have been a bloody cobra killer in my past life. So this life, I am gonna be kind to all snaky animalsJ.
I’ve started to eat some other stuff though I’d decided to eat only whole rice these days until the problem gets healed. But yesterday I suddenly felt so sick when looking at those whole rice. So I guess I need a change. I’ve had some bread with walnuts and today I even had some tuna. Anyway, I definitley need to be away from dairy, red meat, seafood, and sweets.
I still don’t favor the pills taking western medication. Coz funny and ironical thing about it is that it keeps you going back to the doctors. Once I get recovery, I have to get back my strength and vitality by eating healthy and pursuing a natural way of living. I don’t want to think in the way that coz I could be allergic to stuff in the nature, I have to run away from it. It should work better if I get closer to it. I’d love to take cold shower every day, and do jogging! Meditation too, even just 5 minutes.
Yesterday I was reading some websites on Buddhism and I felt like it was calling me. I suddenly felt the urge for knowing better about this philosophy. Personally I respect very much all religions but I don’t want to call myself a follower of any of them since I still hold the belief that, any religion is limited. Maybe the reason for the imperfection of each, is that they don’t unite. But still, I don’t know why something in my heart wants to answer the calling of Buddhism. I’m still in the stage of coming across all kinds of paths, knowing numerous philosophies. The only thing I can do is to keep my heart and mind open, open and open. Spinoza, a dutch philosopher said something very interesting: “ one could feel less painful if he takes things that’ve happened as should be instead of saying no to them.” Wisdom, courage and optimism, those are the things that keep me going. I don’t own them, coz they are already here and there, even being inside me.
Seeing that you still haven’t replied me a single word, I felt a bit frustrated for the first place coz thinking that you didn’t want to connect to me anymore, then it was the worry that perhaps something unexpected had happened to you? I pray for the best for you my dear friend. Words are superficial in their nature. I believe the spirit is always connecting us, in no matter what forms.
Loads of love
Yours Qing
